Before this year, I never truly attempted to understand myself or my desires in the world. All my life up to that point, major decisions—what schools I went to, where I traveled—and actions—signing a doctor’s office form, for example—had been made and done for me. I didn’t carry the burden of logistics, expenses, or the question about where I would be the next year. It was always the same predictable, plannable trajectory.
However now, with my intent to go to college and travel, I have big decisions to make, and, as Taylor Swift put so beautifully, I’m on my own (kid). For the very first time, I am undertaking the challenge of drafting my own future. And it is frightening; what if I screw up so greatly I can’t bounce back? How do I know if what I think I want is really what I want?
These questions have haunted me during the long process of college applications and future planning. Sometimes, it’s all quite overwhelming, especially in the midst of an academically full senior year.
I am learning, slowly, to see beyond the initial panic of applications and future burdens, and to take this time in my life to do something I’ve never truly done before: pay attention to myself. While I am nowhere near perfect at self-reflection and decision-making, there are a few things that I have done throughout this new process that have helped me realize what I want.
- Journaling is a helpful tool because it allows you to be brutally honest with yourself, disregarding others’ expectations or judgments. And you don’t need to love writing or be “good” at it to do yourself this favor. You could create drawings, or bulleted lists, or use improper grammar. Just take a few minutes, sit down, and write about what you want your future to look like. The glorious thing is it doesn’t matter; no one else will see this but you. Despite always thinking I would stay in or near Michigan, through journaling, I’ve realized that I would like to live somewhere sunny and warm in the future. This led me to apply to a school in Arizona. You never know where unfiltered self-reflection will lead you.
- Asking questions is necessary to make decisions. I think that this is a fairly obvious one, however I don’t think people always recognize just how key this is to understanding what you want. Of course you need information to make conclusions, but also there is so much value in gaining new perspectives that can ultimately change your route for the better. So, talk to people! If you’re applying to a school, find an alumna, or talk to someone who’s visited campus.
- Expecting and allowing change is difficult to do, especially when making big decisions. Often when crafting plans, we view outcomes as black and white: either I attend this school or that school, take this step or not. We create webs of decision forks that lead to a certain outcome, and we wrongfully assume that we can predict the path. But, things can change quickly: you are offered an incredible job opportunity that takes you across the world, you win the lottery, you have unexpected student debt, you lose a loved one. Good, bad, or neutral, changes are inevitable, and you can’t make plans without acknowledging that they may look different later down the line. As frustrating as it can be, control is limited, and I am trying to embrace the idea that trajectories morph and diverge. Know and trust yourself, and you will be able to thrive in this dynamic reality.
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