Graduation has always felt like something far off in the distance- something adults would mention while I was just trying to survive APES, remember to throw my volleyball bag in the car, or stop my sister from painting the dog (again). But now it’s actually real. It’s here, my last week of high school, and somehow, it’s even more emotional than I imagined.
Everyone’s automatic question to a senior is, “are you excited for college?” but I dread it. Don’t get me wrong-I’m pumped! I’m headed out of state, starting fresh, and probably overpacking so badly that move-in day will be an athletic event. But underneath the excitement is a terrible ache. Not like a dramatic heartbreak… more like a quiet, heavy feeling I never saw coming.Everything familiar feels like it’s fading, and I don’t know if I’m ready for that. It’s like finally finishing a perfect book, and no matter how good the next one seems, you just want to sit with this one a little longer.
After school, I used to walk to Speedway with a group of friends almost everyday. It wasn’t anything fancy- just junk food, crazy conversations, and the kind of laughter that made your face hurt and stomach cramp. Now? I drive everywhere. Usually alone. Sometimes I walk past those same friends and give a little wave, even though we rarely talk anymore.
The change and growth over the last 4 years feels surreal. Life is going on, as it does, and there is nothing we can do but live it.
In one of my favorite songs, Gracie Abrams sings, “Never been less empty, all I feel is free now.” And yeah. That one hits. That’s all I keep thinking about- how things felt versus how they feel now. How things were compared to how they are now. Not perfect, but present. Like I had all the time in the world, when really, I was already counting down without knowing it.
My siblings- there’s a lot of them (did i mention there’s 10?)- are a huge part of that too. I’m not just leaving home; I’m leaving the only “normal” I’ve ever known. Chaos? Definitely. But it’s my chaos. From bedtime stories, to being chased around the kitchen, it’s the stuff I’ll miss more than anything.
It’s honestly kind of funny, isn’t it? The older you get, you realize the moments never announce themselves as the important ones. You only realize how perfect they were once they’re gone.
I thought growing up would feel like beating a game. But it’s more like trading. Trading childhood for independence. Familiarity for freedom. Walks to Speedway for long drives with the music blaring- trying to feel like the person you’re becoming while missing the one you’ve been.
Although it hurts (extremely), that just means I did it right. I made memories that mean something. I loved people deeply. I said yes to making my life fully mine.
So yeah, I’m sad to graduate. But that’s okay. The sadness is proof that it all mattered. I lived every moment -highs and lows- to their fullest. I didn’t realize it, but I made every second count.
Now it’s over- but I’ll forever hold tight to the memories that make saying goodbye this hard. And if you ever see a girl sobbing to Gracie Abrams at full volume… no you didn’t.
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